the white room

a morning i felt without purpose or meaning and that place in the pit of my stomach began the familiar ache of something is missing.

where is it? i wondered.

with no anchor or weight upon my shoulders i decided that today was the day i would jump into the pit.

the pit of despair.

standing on the edge looking into the mouth of the beast that terrorizes me so.

filling me with fear, uncertainty, doubt of my strength.

it's mighty dark in there. pitch black in fact.

i can't begin to see the bottom. no end in sight.

jump?

hesitate. inhale.

now!

f

a

l

l

i

n

g

forever free falling in the empty void of the pit. 

no life jacket. no parachute. no safety device.

no one at the bottom to catch the fall.

as i exhale the falling speeds up without the weight of breath to hold me back.

when i think i can fall no more, i crash to the floor feet first.

crumpled on a white linoleum floor in a heap of tears, exhaustion, sweat.

with pounding head and through raw eyes i assess  the place i find myself in.

white.

white walls.

white floor.

white ceiling.

nothing to draw the attention away from the black chair in the middle of the room.

a chair for waiting.

in the waiting room.

at this moment the dawning of the aha...

settle in, darling. 

this is the place where you wait alone.

and this place where you wait all alone...

this is it.

lemme say that again, just to make sure it really sunk into that thick human skull of yours.

THIS IS IT.

 

 

looking up the ceiling grows taller and taller until it stretches beyond my vision.

lining the walls are more doors than i can count. all white. with shining brass doorknobs.

doors to possibility.

so many possibilities, so little time.

anything is better than this stark room of This Is It.

i run to the nearest door. take a deep breath. turn the handle. push the door open. 

step through.

the first thing i hear is the screeching of car tires and as i look up i see a crowd of people all walking directly toward me. standing in the middle of the sidewalk in a loud city.

close my eyes.

deep breath.

i'm back in the white room.

sights set on the door far in the distance and suddenly i am right in front of it.

turn the handle.

i see two red pointy eyes in the blackness. i feel the pillow under my head. the eyes get closer.

close my eyes.

deep breath.

white room.

try another brass doorknob.

the smell of massage oil fills my nostrils. i am face down on a table and feel my feet being touched. hear a voice say, don't you worry i'll take care of these feet for you.

close my eyes.

deep breath.

white room.

step through the door.

sitting on the branch of a cherry tree. hands stained red with juice. sweetness on my tongue. i hear my laughter fill my ears.

close my eyes.

deep breath.

white room.

door.

i hear crying and look up to see papers and photographs littering the carpet. cake smashed on the floor with a 18 candle on the top.

close my eyes.

deep breath.

white room.

door.

sunshine hot on my face. pigtails sweaty against my neck. walking a dusty path i see a small cabin to my right.

close my eyes.

deep breath.

white room.

door.

i feel her hand squeezing mine. are you awake? she asks with a tremor in her voice. i feel relieved that she is awake too.

close my eyes.

deep breath.

white room.

door.

twirling to the music the band is playing. looking into the smiling eyes of my dance partner. weeee! he says.

close my eyes.

deep breath.

white room.

door.

the full moon climbs into my window and slips inside me as i moan.

close my eyes.

deep breath.

white room.

door.

don't forget we live in paradise, the words read. i remember i am home. i hear, mooooommmmm! in the distance.

close my eyes.

deep breath.

white room.

door.

don't worry, he says. i didn't mean it. i love you sis.

close my eyes.

step through

deep breath.

white room.

waiting.

waiting.

waiting.

 

*lady rainbow*faerie godmother 4:25:14

 

 

 

 

{heaven on earth}

Floating silently in the pool of memories

Bobbing along the rolling currents of the amniotic fluid that surrounds

Gentle submersion into the reflection of unconditional

The space in between gravity and being set free into the atmosphere

Tucked in and cradled in the arms of the thing in which I am

If there is anything spiritual about living, this is it

Being held so sweetly into a full surrender

Hearing the lulling hush and familiar lullaby that ears listen at attention to

Nothing to see but patterns of fluid droplets across the eyeball,

Sun streaming through the thin skin providing a brilliant backdrop to the picture show in the skull

Hands spread along the surface as the rainbow line patterns ripple across the bottom

A secret language of the water that could make sense, but doesn't

Forever a mystery that cannot be solved

Heaven on Earth   

Heaven on Earth

 

So much happening in the observation of the all around

Mind dancing versus the completely still in reality

A stark contrast in the in between that is amusing somehow

But, listen

She is still singing her sweet song,

Remember you're right here, she sings

Everything is now

The gut wrench and subsequent release of the oh, yes

Easy to be

Still floating silently in the pool memories as the chest rises, then falls

Heaven on Earth

~Aubrey Ixchel

{for Benjamin}

9/30/13

Maybe I lost my train of thought,

When I stopped at the Why Not?...

Why Not stand right where I am?

Surrender all I've Sought.

Why Not see the Beauty that appears,

Right before my very eyes.

A figment of my most intricate imagination,

Telling Truth, Telling Lies.

letitflow.jpg

Never knowing the difference,

Is it a Yes, or a No?

Feeling Joy while feeling sadness,

Let it Go, Let it Flow

~Aubrey Ixchel