from fog to rainbows*

Here's some of my truth*
I spent the first 33 years of my life in a depressive fog. Sometimes it was thick as night, other times a bit more clear. Enough so, I could see the echos of rainbow light reaching my murky bubble. 
I had an odd mixture of negative programming that infiltrated my every thought, word, and action and it was quite literally, running my life. 
I was a helpless victim to my beliefs and emotions, and it was most likely someone else's fault. 
Smiling and full-on laughter was sparse, replaced by deepening lines that in my forehead and around my mouth. 
And play??? Absurd. 
I knew not of play. 
Even when my sweet little babies urged me to play imagination games with them, my brain would just short circuit and I would get overwhelmingly tired. 
Play was not existent in my reality because I was constantly viewing life through a filter of, "Life is hard, depressing, and difficult". 
Through this lens, the rainbows were distant, and play was non-existent. 
 Fast forward a few years, and I've had the blessed opportunity to have Mystic Hot Springs as my home. A place where the layers of guilt, shame, and unworthiness felt safe to shed. I started seeing my value and worth, and got more and more aware of how my old mind programming needed to be updated to accommodate my new sense of self. 
I went to Hypnotherapy school to learn how to do just that, and have been completely blown away at the power of the mind and how Hypnotherapy offered me such immediate transformation. 
Now I can say I have a life that I'm so in love with. 
I have a life that feels precious, and every moment is a gift. 
I have a life that feels worth living. 
With old ways of being gone, and new filters and lenses in place, rainbows are everywhere and I have infinite reasons to smile, laugh, even play!!!
Which brings me to YOU*!
I want to play with you!
(That sounds creepy, I know, but what if it didn't?)
Along with some of my gal pals, we are hosting a few events this coming weekend in Salt Lake City. 
I invite you to come play with us!
(Learn more at
Much Love and Play to YOU*


lessons from a spider*

i had an interesting awareness today while out taking care of the chickens. 

while cleaning out the chicken's water dish i saw that a spider had fallen into the dish from the rag i was using. 

my first instinct was to kill the spider,

but i stopped myself.

instead of smashing it, i wondered why my first instinct was to kill this one of a kind, spontaneous happening creature?

then, i scooped the spider up and put it back to where it was.
the spider was now at my eye level and we looked at each other.


it seemed to me that in this moment we had mutual understanding.

we were both just alive standing on the edge of we don't know what's happening next...

and nature humbles once again.

cleaning the library

today i am rummaging the thoughts filed away in my head like a librarian in the dusty corner of the library no one has touched in a while.

keep. toss. toss. keep. toss.

into the recycling bin to free up the space.

one thought that i picked up and examined for awhile is the idea that i know what sexuality and sensuality is/i am/another human is.

if everything that i have ever done is dead as dust and gone forever and everything in the future is just and always will be a question, what am i left with?

the obvious is here and now.

here and now i'm just sitting and moving my fingers.

how does that tell me what i am? what i will be?

why would a pattern of who i have been attracted to and been physical with in the past have anything to do with now? or, what may be now, but not yet?

isn't a label of straight, gay. dominant, submissive, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, kinky, prude, slut, or sissy all be talking about what is gone and never again?

who actually has the time machine to tell me what i am tomorrow?

who isn't standing on the edge of i don't know what the fuck i am going to next?

if we have a conversation about what we think we are, perhaps the most wise way to approach the subject  is: nothing other than words to fill the space of emptiness...

the words i am left with is like a knight going to battle with a carrot rather than a sword.

the words, no matter how many i say and how many arrangements of the words i make, will never tell me what i am.

the words are ineffective, although all that i have.

i will never know what i am*

(self portrait )

the words will only prove to be dust. every time.

i am in the library of the mind holding the thought sexuality/sensuality in my hands....

into the toss pile it goes!


lady rainbow*faerie godmother